The dating a guy whos too nice nice
Posted in Dating
Is it possible to be too nice? What every man needs to know about the heart and mind of women. Is it even possible to be too nice? Men, the world over, have wondered why women continually pass up the quintessential nice guy who is loving, caring, giving, supportive, accommodating, faithful and head-over-heels in love with them. This unsolved mystery has stumped me for years until now.
I used to be a nice guy - way back when.
You see, I never saw being nice as a decision that needed to be made - I understood it as a state that naturally existed. Boy oh boy was I wrong. Sort of, anyway. There are some women who want the nice guy because they understand that nice means good and not nice means bad.
However, most women seem to have the concepts confused. She wants excitement. She wants mystery, surprise, drama. She wants a bad boy. Until she gets stuck with one, of course. Then all of a sudden logic swarms back into reality and bad, once again, means bad.
If he just got to know her better, he would surely fall for her. The essence of a bad boy is isolation, carelessness, self-indulgence, selfishness and attitude. However, the role the actions that result from such personality traits play on the psyches of women is undeniable. Bad boys seem more manly - which is an awful way to think as it teaches guys that being bad is more rewarding than being good. If being a bad boy gets you laid while being a nice guy gets you either ignored or abused, then guess which type most men choose to be.
I think this guy isn't the guy for you, and that's fine, but I would do some self-reflection about the fact that you find someone revealing their education "unmasculine. And it doesn't have to be that way. I think that what happens sometimes is that there is some kind of undefinable lack of chemistry with a person who "on paper" seems like a good match and doesn't have anything clearly wrong with them.
To resolve this apparent paradox, we start grasping for small details that would justify our not liking this person enough to date him or her. The thing is that you don't need some ironclad justifiable "reason" and trying to find one is not reflecting well on you.
Here's a shorter version of your AskMe where the answer is a lot more clear: I went out a couple of times with someone from my social circle, and I am just not feeling it. Should I keep going out with him? You know what, I find I'm slightly aghast disgusted, horrified, repulsed - ever so slightly, but those are appropriate words when someone I'm not attracted to crosses a boundary it would be A-OK for someone I thought was hot to encroach upon. If I'm just not drawn to someone, all of a sudden, my standards of etiquette firm right up.
If I think he's attractive, on the other hand, sure, go on, grab my belt-loops. You're clearly not attracted to this guy. So, do not date him anymore : I understand you're not confident in your judgement just yet. I don't think you should stop dating people until you figure it out - on the contrary, that's how you recalibrate. I think Percussive Paul is dead right with every word - the way to avoid working yourself up, or unintentionally hurting someone, is to date a lot a lot of people at once.
Which as well as giving you more practice in different kinds of interactions, gives you plenty of opportunities to meet someone you like. I think it's unfortunate that this guy's gotten caught up in your lack of certainty. The nice thing to do would be to make a clear statement of lack of interest, at this point, imo.
If you decide that's the case. But, agree again with PP, this guy does sound a bit boundary-less and a bit young and earnestand may not be all that confident.
Which, it's fair enough, may not be that attractive. I actually agree with you that sarcasm's tricky - if it's someone's only mode of humour, it's kind of a shallow repertoire, imo.
Sep 28, † Our expert reveals why being too much of a nice guy can actually be a turn off. Why Being TOO Nice Is Actually Unattractive. aren't these the qualities spelled out on every woman's. Dating a guy who's too nice - Find single man in the US with footing. Looking for sympathy in all the wrong places? Now, try the right place. If you are a middle-aged woman looking to have a good time dating woman half your age, this advertisement is for you. Is the number one destination for online dating with more relationships than any other dating or personals site. Apr 27, † So is this guy too nice or too forward? He can't win- because you don't like him. And that's okay. So, instead of analyzing his "slips" and whether it's okay for you to have a problem with them, just move on. posted by spaltavian at PM on April 27, [6 favorites].
If it's also nastyand only thinly conceals contempt for individuals vs. But there definitely are men who are confident and witty and kind. You don't sound like you're really attracted to him the bad breath alone is a huge red flag there and should break up with him before he turns into an ambivalent pumpkin. The End or is it? Now for the important, I'm going to approach this from a different angle.
There's a question on OKCupid which goes: "Not talking whips and chains, but do you generally prefer your partner's behavior to be dominant, submissive or a little of both, depending on the situation?
Clearly, you prefer men with more forceful personalities note: this is not synonymous with "masculine. There's a tendency to call women weak or antifeminist for seeking out relationships that jibe with their natural personalities. For instance, I am the most feminist person I know. I am also not a planner. The idea of planning, especially planning dates, gives me tremendous anxiety that often takes the form of literal panic attacks.
Even when it isn't that arguably unhealthy, I generally don't like doing it.
As a result, the sort of guys who handle all the logistics, reservations, venue choices are the sort of guys who make me swoon. I also usually find myself attracted to men who have strong opinions, the kind where I feel like I could spend my entire life just learning what they have to say about anything and everything. Does any of this sound familiar? It sounds like it might. The problem is, if you sort primarily for those traits then, yes, you run the risk of dating assholes.
You want to minimize that risk. So you don't have to date assholes - if someone even mildly strikes you as being an asshole in early dating then stop the early dating - but you're conflating a lot of axes - "asshole" with "likes sex" with "masculine" with "forceful" - and also "feminist" and "weak-minded" and "nice" - that are all separate axes.
It's sort of like the Madonna-Whore complex for women, and it's not really serving you well. So I have another idea: How old is this guy?
You mention he is in "grad classes" and in another question also mention you are ish. This makes me guess that he is younger than you.
Assertiveness and independent-mindedness are traits that tend to correlate with age. They don't always, but they tend to.
A lot of guys in their 20s - your typical Brooklyn millennials, as vomitous as the phrase is - are still figuring out who they are and how to behave in relationships. The ones who care about not being misogynist assholes will usually default toward the "fumbling, apologetic" approach. This is totally fine, and a lot of women find this utterly charming. Clearly, you are not one of them. That is also totally fine!
But if you find yourself dating a lot of guys who are younger or the same age as you, try dating older. The upshot to this - and please don't take this the wrong way - is that you are old enough that by default you will filter out the creepy older guys who only want pliable year-olds.
Why Girls Never Want Nice Guys - And Why It's Too Late When They Do
As for the rest, there are a lot of legitimate concerns mixed with a lot that aren't. Offering to fuck on the first date is a total red herring. One of my longest relationships started with a first date where he literally asked if I wanted to go back to his place and see his records. Conversely, there are a lot of "hookups" that happen that don't look like "hookups" because they take the form of having sex on the socially-approved third date, because the hookup-seeking dude thought he'd have a better chance by playing a longer game.
And burn the whole "I want to date my dad" thing, it's Freudian patriarchal crap that society needs to get rid of ASAP. Hopefully some of this helped? I'm reading it totally differently here, and it just could be guessing. Take what you will. I think this guy sounds kind of emotionally available and it's making you uncomfortable. You're used to guys that jerk you around.
Maybe even ones that play "come here Yeah but blah blah blah I really want something different this time. But maybe you still want the same shit. Because when this guy was reliable, you felt apathetic.
Did you feel like you'd won, and the chase was over? Did that bore you? And then you cancelled on him four times. I think you were testing him. Are you for REAL? Are you gonna stick around? You can't possibly just like me as I am. And so on. Now your mind is fixating on all his flaws.
It is a good way to avoid actual intimacy. It is a good way to give yourself all these reasons to run away. Six months from now, will you find yourself looking back and thinking "hmm maybe I kinda ran away there? So what if he was a little eager to please. He likes you!
Clearly he has some balls because he 1 saw you 2 realized he liked you 3 asked you out 4 made the first move to kiss. So I would say just see where it goes. If his breath smells tell him. Remember that you do kinda sorta feel something. You originally found him cute and smart. You had a good time on your first date.
Just see where it goes. See what feelings come up. You don't have to marry this guy. Let them wash over, and feel what may be underneath.
Dating a guy that's too nice
Just sit with them. It's not the end of the world. It's just a feeling. Peepsburg at PM on April 27, [ 4 favorites ]. I think you are just not into him. A guy who actually listens to you when you talk and seems to try to understand your point of view rather than go for the "neg" to set off an insecure need to get his approval?
An educated person who does not need to resort to easy sarcasm to hold a conversation; uses gasp! A dude who treats you like a full-fledged adult who can find her own way home just like every other grown person in this city? What a loser! Definitely cut him lose.
7 Signs You're Dating the Wrong Guy
But send him my way. I'd love to get sexy on a rooftop apartment on a first date. But I'm old, so. All other issues aside, I'd say that the fact that you react with dislike and disrespect to his academic studies, which are most likely the most important thing in his life, means that you have no long term future.
Does the idea of a four hour dinner party with him and his peers talking about hegemony make you smile or roll your eyes? Had more time to reflect on this. Second go at trying to help here! Has a whiff of internalized misogyny. What you really mean is passive, or perhaps even more to the point, passive-aggressive.
Very few things in this world aggravate me more than passive-aggressiveness. This is because I am essentially, deep down, an honest and blunt person. I value the objective and emotional truth so much in life that to dishonor the truth is just unforgivably annoying in the long run for me. Guys sometimes just want sex just like they just wanted sex in You know?
Douchebags can be surprisingly honest.
Dating a guy who's too nice - Find a man in my area! Free to join to find a man and meet a woman online who is single and hunt for you. Is the number one destination for online dating with more relationships than any other dating or personals site. Register and search over 40 . Apr 29, † Every guy at one point was silly enough to think that being nice to the woman he has feelings for is a good idea. He would go out of his way to . He has no confidence. A guy who's too nice is nice at the expense of his pride. He lets people walk all over him because he thinks being nice means letting everyone else get their way. His lack of confidence leads him straight into a vicious cycle of never putting himself out there and therefore believing he isn't capable of much.
Also "sunny" and "lovely" are like Near to damning with faint praise. I am a person who values very, very, very highly 1. All the other stuff is pretty irrelevant to me. Maybe you can kind of relate. It's never completely genuine and it's a sign of neediness and ultimately, selfishness. Peepsburg, you definitely hit on something real. I do think I would have been more interested in him he had posed more of a challenge and you're right that I was fairly into him the first time we met so I can't explain the drop off in my interest other than my discomfort with emotionally available men.
I'm wondering if other people have had experiences where they were slightly lukewarm about somebody at the beginning because they weren't used to being treated well but grew to love the person?
Or is that unrealistic? If you want somebody to text to check you got home ok, just ask them. It's really straightforward and maintaining your own safety shouldn't be dependent on their chivalry. Honestly though, I don't think that's a great plan for first or early dates, because statistically it is likely to have been your date who has attacked you, if something does happen.
You have also just told them that nobody else will notice if you don't come home. Instead tell a friend where you're going, and text them to say you are home safe. This does not directly address your question my answer to that is nothing you mention sounds horrendous except the bad breath, but don't date him with no chemistry but hopefully will still be helpful in future relationships.
This may be a cultural thing or perhaps I am just less trusting, but a random guy on a date should not be responsible for your safety, you don't know them. I'm also extrapolating here so ignore if not relevant, but have the previous assholes been able to be assholish because you've trusted them too quickly?
It just seems like jumping the gun a bit to go from 'random guy' to 'only person who knows where I am' so quickly, and I'm concerned you're putting yourself in dodgy situations. Nope, that's my college boyfriend.
He taught me how to be in a low-drama relationship with a nice guy after the teenaged dramafest that was my highly-compelling bad boy highschool boyfriend. It took me a good few months to get into College Dude, but everything after that was so much better. It is also worth considering if one of the reasons you're not into this guy so much is because you are still hung up on the last guy, as you were a month ago.
Drama distracts from obsessive heartache because drama is compelling; lack of drama, not so much - but so much healthier. I just thought of something else.
Basically, I think your problem is the problem here. Emotional availability is the minimum! Just because someone is emotionally available does not mean he is a good dating match for you. A lot of times this kind of thinking, while well-intentioned, can lead you into relationships where neither person is really attracted to the other, nor really a temperamental match, but remains in the relationship because, hey, they're nice, right?
And they're not assholes, right? This never ends well. It sort of reminds me of your last question - I totally get the "guys only want manic pixie dream girls" thing, which is definitely prevalent, but I kind of think that maybe these guys never really learned what being actually attracted to someone means, and got it into their head through porn or limerence or any number of factors that if someone meets beauty norms, then that is the same thing as wanting to fuck them.
But subconsciously they realize something is wrong, and eventually something snaps and they mumble something about "chemistry" without actually understanding what they mean.
This isn't just a guy thing, though. It can happen to women, too, and I am pretty sure it is happening to you. When you're close to him, do you feel anything? When he touches you, do you feel anything? When you're making out, do you feel anything? Or are you just looking around, passing time, mentally going "yep, we are definitely making out right now, I guess the next step is sex, gee huh, sex"?
Attraction, sadly, does not correlate with not being an asshole, or being a good dating match. Annoyingly, it doesn't even correlate with being good in bed! I mentioned the bad breath is a clue for this. There's a lot of snake-oil woo about pheromones or whatever, but it is A Thing that if you're attracted to someone, their BO and general stank suddenly starts to smell absolutely wonderful. Another big clue: As you know, when you're attracted to someone, you gloss over a lot of their bad traits.
The flip side to this is that when you are not attracted to someone, the smallest, most inconsequential shit using a word like "hegemony," which, sorry, isn't trendy in the slightest annoys the resurrected bejesus out of you.
One Washington Post article called this the "taquito moment".
So maybe you are not inventing reasons because you are doomed to have unhealthy relationships - maybe you're just inventing reasons because you don't really want him. And that is fine! It is not a reflection on you or him. It just means you should not be dating. Clearly you fundamentally do not like this dude, if he gets on your nerves this much and you treat him like shit and then you hate him for putting up with your shit.
Cut him loose so he can find someone who likes him like that. If only you would just give that nice guy a chance, popular wisdom goes, he might surprise you. Being nice is not a ticket to a date with a person of your choice.
Dating a guy whos too nice
This is a widespread stereotype: women like bad boys. The belief that women like jerks contains hints of misogyny because it stems from the stereotype that women want to be dominated and controlled. Human beings are not rewards for kindness.
Sometimes, nice people struggle with their love lives. Sometimes, not-so-nice people have an easier time. This may seem unfair, but the whole concept of fairness is irrelevant when personal choices are concerned. Once again, pop culture reinforces this belief. Viewers are supposed to think it was dense of the woman to not realize that the love she sought was in front of her the whole time.
Stories of friends who get together can be sweet, and unrequited crushes on friends are always painful, but there are plenty of valid reasons not to date a friend. Your friendship is not a consolation prize - and the idea of being relegated to friend status hinges on the notion that he was expecting more in the first place. And his friendship is not a bargaining token. It should be given freely without expecting anything in return except mutual friendship.
The irony is that many of them use this supposed caring to manipulate women into sex or dating. Our culture over-classifies men as nice guys, and the effects of this undue admiration are dangerous.
Excuse, that I interrupt you, but, in my opinion, this theme is not so actual.11.02.2020|Reply
Excuse, that I can not participate now in discussion - it is very occupied. But I will be released - I will necessarily write that I think on this question.04.02.2020|Reply
In my opinion. Your opinion is erroneous.10.02.2020|Reply