Consider, dating a guy you dont find attractive remarkable, rather valuable
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FAQ on Coronavirus and Mefi : check before posting, cite sources; how to block content by tags. Can attraction grow? Great guy, but not too terribly attracted? He's smart, funny, we're comfortable with each other. We've been seeing each other for 2 months now.
And that many will say people are more than the looks they were given, which they have no control over. I know all of this because I have heard this from a good amount of friends mostly men in my life trying to convince me that I need to give some people a chance because they seem like great good looking guys. The thing is, as often as I listen to the advice of my friends, I am not listening to this advice. For a while I truly contemplated doing so, thinking that if I had not found a genuine relationship and stumbled upon too many bad ones maybe this had something to do with it - writing off people too quickly based on physical appearance.
But the fact is not that I landed into less than perfect relationships because of how the people I dated looked, it was more that their other qualities they began to show throughout the time we dated did not compliment my own.
Was this the reason I dated him? But I would be lying if I said it was not something I noticed, alongside his charming personality, when I met him. Another boyfriend of mine was a relatively normal to attractive guy. But it was this man, ironically, who I thought was extremely attractive when I was first saw him. It was him who I thought was the cutest thing in the entire world. And no one could convince me otherwise on that.
Both were men I ended up dating and both if you can believe it were people that when I was with never matched up against anyone else. I never for a second wanted someone physically more than I wanted them. Bradly Cooper himself could have walked by while we were out eating dinner and I still would think he was maybe on the same level as my exes.
That may sound over the top but I absolutely promise you that was exactly how I felt in the company of these men. Realizing this rather ridiculous statement has led me to believe why I would ever settle for something that is not that feeling? Where yes I realize that logically there are more attractive people out there in the world, but none would compare to the man I was in a current relationship with.
And that attractiveness I seek out in a man can come in so many different forms, as it has before. Honestly, does anyone want to feel as if they are not good enough or that someone had to take weeks or months to develop physical attraction to them when they could so readily have it with other people? That is not to say I do not think that physical attraction cannot grow the more you get to know someone and realize personality contributes, and is largely part of, the whole package.
This is just to say that if there is nothing there in the beginning there will be nothing there in the end either.
Maybe adapting to find an individual physically appealing might work for others. But it does not work for me. And why should it have to? As the original question admitted. This is the best article and advice I have ever read about this topic. I am with a lovely man who loves me unconditionally and I love him. I just feel safe, loved, cared for, secure and content.
I am totally myself with him.
As Evan says, that inevitably fades anyway. Your heart will tell you what to do eventually.
Mind has. Thank you :O. I swear, no one gets what I say when I say it. But u do. Like, u feel exactly how I feel. I pray our happiness lasts. God bless you. Angela, words cannot explain how thankful I am to have stumbled upon your comment. I can definitely relate to you in every sense, just that I was actually feeling very insecure about my relationship before read this. So, honeslty I cannot thank you and the article enough for making me feel reassured about my wonderful relationship and making me feel at very much at ease.
So, thank you both. Oh my gosh. Your situation is mine!! Except, we do love the same kinds of music. My guy is amazing and we are very compatible. He loves me. IIwas in another dumb relationship with a guy. Me and this new guy casually dated for six months after my break up. This NEW boyfriend is everything any woman would want in a man. My other guy I was willing to do it everyday if possible. The thing is, TMIthe new guy is really good and passionate in bed.
What turns me off is the sounds he make when we are doing it.
Who You Find Attractive Is Based on How Hot You Are - Dan Ariely - Big Think
I swear I feel like I am doing it with a s porn movie star. I just want him to shut up and do it. But that is wrong to feel that way. AND he seems over-eager when we do it and I just want to tell him calm down. I absolutely do end up being satisfied, if you know what I mean.
But I just want the whole entire experience to be wonderful from beginning to end. I am praying that all of this grows on me and this will be a mute point eventually. But over the past few months of casually dating we may have had sex about four times. Now we are exclusive and I am hoping it gets better in my mind. He is a wonderful guy and we have so much fun together all of the time.
Dating a guy I don't find attractive.?
But the crazy thing is, sometimes his over affection is annoying. I have feelings of wanting to break it off, but then I think of how I will be throwing a great guy away and possibly end up with another IDIOT.
Sorry this was so long. I got carried away.
Thank you so much for this advice. But reading your comment and few others have made me appreciate my partner more, because his love for me is unconditional and I love him too. Amanda you truly are a breath of fresh air! I wish all women and in fact all men, myself most of all could be like you because the world would be a much happier place.
Your outlook is one to be admired and you and your bf are very lucky to have each other. May you always enjoy the happiness that you both deserve. Thank u Amanda. Thank u for truly opening my eyes. Thanks for your reply!
Him being shy and introverted or him physically? My story is similar. He gives me a feeling of security and safeness. Attraction goes deeper than looks. It can be all sorts of things. My problem is not just the lack of attraction but the lack of intimacy. I understand good sex will dwindle with age but there will always be intimacy. Attraction has to be there in the beginning and as you age you love their flaws. There has to be the boy meets girl factor otherwise you may as well just live with a best mate.
We are best friends and lovers, and even tho I am not attracted to him I love him. But unlike you, I do have a harder time going over his physic. But I love him. Amanda your comment has been very very helpful to me. I have had this best best best buddy since we were 19 yrs old.
Right before my marriage to my currently abusive husband he proposed to me but I was scared of accepting and things going wrong. He knew I was doing wrong again because somehow somewhere inside my heart we have been and had been such amazing friends, standing through thick and thin for years with each other.
Eventually right after my marriage I realised my husband was using me just as a maid and bank account. I stuck around for 4 yrs, despite my friend trying to rescue me every year. This year when I husband beat me up, I met my friend and with zero attraction from my side, he just hugged me and kissed my forehead and I knew what I missed for 4yrs. My best buddy. I missed my best buddy and our stupid talks. This feeling is far far superior than just physically being attracted because I know attraction fades but this friendship, love and trust is for lifetime and beyond.
I have made lot of mistakes in my life but he has just scolded me and then promised me to be right by my side while I deal with my mistakes. He has never tried to rescue me like I would feel useless, he lets me fight my own battles but just keeps holding my hand making me smile while I do it.
I feel strong and confident around him. My self esteem hits through the roof when he takes me to meet his office buds or friends. I catch him looking at me smiling so many times when am trying to concentrate and read a map. He is just. But I relied on physical attractiveness and wasted yrs of my life with a very very attraction person who came out to be a very very horrible human.
I would say. I learned the hard way, but I swear He would have loved me the same even if he was very good looking and physically attractive to me. When you know his eyes wont change with him being good looking or not. In last yrs of on and off friendship while I was married he never fought with me for my stupid decisions in life and I never fought with him for anything either.
When i am with him i feel so protected even though physically he is much shorter and thinner than me. I remember once some boys tried to act funny with me at a party.
Only if his rich and generous. Date a guy who is a lawyer, or someone important. And dating an old unattractive man can help you get Christmas in July. Sorry but if girls didn't have such low standards, and give up their holy grail for every loser.
He opened the car door for me and took me for a long drive and kept asking me how I felt that evening when i was being teased by boys. He fought with the boys, created a scene. Now when i look back i feel. So now I know what I have to do. He is my man. Thank you for sharing all you did. It was perfect. I honestly just wanted to thank you. Amanda, I feel the exact same way.
I think if my bff could at least get up maybe. Has your guy seen a urologist about the problem? Being overweight and suffering from performance problems is usually a sign of an endocrine disorder, either thyroid, undiagnosed diabetes, or low testosterone.
If his performance issues are not endocrine system in origin, they are probably cardiovascular in origin; therefore, getting him to see a doctor who specializes in male sexual health could literally save his life.
Erectile dysfunction is known as the the canary in the coal mine for a reason. It often predates a cardiovascular event by five years. In either case, a complete blood workup that includes a full hormone panel is needed.
Thanks Amanda for your perspective.
@RiYad that's true, most girls don't feel physical attraction before knowing the person. some girls do. like for example, if a girl seen a guy who was attractive physically, she would see the "mental and emotional" attractiveness first. majourity of girls get more physically attracted to a guy by time, some get physically attracted to a guy. Because if you are dating someone, not just sleeping with them for one night, chances are you might see them close to every day. I don't have a problem admitting this, neither do others apparently. But there are plenty of people who might takes offense by my next comment. That I refuse to date anyone I don't find immediately attractive. Can you change your sexual attraction to inappropriate types? What needs to happen is that you need to change the type of person to whom you're attracted. The only way to do that is to keep dating someone who seems kind and reliable, even if you think you aren't sexually attracted or that they seem a little boring.
I really needed to hear this. Best - David. If I were him I would sincerely thank Mia for her uncommon and brave honesty. I would also break up with her. I think it all depends on what you dont like about the person. I did it and the beard has stayed for 10 years because I do look better with it and I kept an open mind and didnt get offended. Also yo are right about the dynamic.
I think its good you're gonna give it a shot, as you said he may turn out to be the right guy for you Attraction is a dynamic thing influenced by so many factors, you can easily become unattracted to someone you initially found very attractive, and vice versa. In the end when it comes to finding a long term partner (as opposed to casual dating. May 24, Dating a guy I don't find attractive.? I started dating a guy who is really nice, really smart, and really fun he also challenges me and really makes me think basically, he has the personality I've always said and known I wanted in a guy. Ani. Dear Mia, I completely understand where you're coming from. I am 15 as well and my boyfriend is not particularly attractive to me. I won't ever hurt my SO but I think that if you don't want to be with your boyfriend anymore you should probably just tell him.
The answer may be that she is not as attractive to the type of men that she likes therefore she hangs with her boyfriend because in his eyes she is beautiful and it boosts her esteem up. Mia really needs to take a deep look at herself because she is allowing her shallowness and perhaps insecurities dictate her life.
A good number of people do this, and a good number of people have non-fulfilling relationships. I totally agree with Andy, and see nothing wrong with wanting to change relatively superficial things about your partner. Honesty is not the best policy. Every one has an issue with something about them selfs, but we get paased it. To have someone point it out like that is painful. It also gives us permission to accept ourself for who we are even as we deal with our insecurities.
So i will not glorify overweight, for example, but neither will i allow someone to put me down on account of overweight. I have the same issue. I am not attracted to my boyfriend. I feel no attraction to him what so ever, I feel disgusted even kissing him or touching him,its Been off and on for years.
Its been months since he and I have had any intermancy.
Dating a guy you dont find attractive
I look at him and I feel nothing but disgusted to the point it makes me sick in the stomach even thinking of kissing him or hugging him. This is exactly how I handled the situation with my ex-boyfriend. My boyfriend did not have to say out loud that there was a lack of physical and sexual attraction. In fact, he denied it.
It became so painful and such hard work for me to maintain the relationship, I felt I was working in a Gulag. I had to end it after 10 months, because I have some pride left in me and apparently healthy self-esteem! I feel wounded.
It is hard. I never rarely found myself attractive and am not in the first flush of youth anymore. Still I want to be loved for myself - warts and all. I was prepared to love him with his balding hair, crooked teeth, paunch and broken nose. I picked out the features I found most attractive and persuaded myself to find the rest adorable, too. I need someone to do the same for me, too. At least this is was I hope. Meanwhile, I am building up other areas in my life.
I have taken up dancing, am spending quality time with my daughter and most important of all, am learning all the lessons I can from this short-term relationship: learning to accept and love myself fully. Mia, you need to let him go, so he can find the girl who really deserves him.
Dont let this man make you feel unattractive. I was once with a man who eventually never wanted to touch me or kiss me or tell me he loved me and we were together for a long time and i tried everything to make it work i finally woke up after feeling ugly and unattractive wondering what was wrong with me. While he wasnt a bad man at all i relised i deserved better now im with a man who thinks im absolutely beautiful and shows how much desire he has for me and treats me like a queen.
There are men out there like that. I thought about that too. But he did handle it well and goes to prove his love for her. People will normally change little things about their appearance if they find their partner likes it better anyway. I met a man online who I thought was very attractive and a really nice guy as well. He was tall and lean, but he wore really baggy, boring, unattractive clothes.
One day, however, he mentioned that he hated to who and that his ex use to buy his clothes. I myself had just used the services of a stylist to help me shop so I recommended my stylist to him. The results of wearing modern clothes that fit were astonishing. He looked 15 years younger and a million times sexier. He dumped me two weeks later telling me that he met someone else.
I think that because of his makeover, he was able to attract someone younger and more attractive than I was. So, Mia, if your guy becomes too attractive, you may no longer be attractive enough for him! Their wives strategically dress them that way :.
Aug 09, My GF is cute, its not like she's ugly or anything and I know looks shouldn't matter, but she's totally just not the type of girl I find attractive (although others do). I wasn't even attracted to her when we started dating, but she's so cool and we get along so well, it just kind of progressed that way. I really really like her and love hanging out with her, and really like . Sep 30, How to Date Someone You Aren't Attracted To. Dating someone you have a fiery attraction to can be extremely exciting. However, you shouldn't shut yourself off from someone just because you don't feel that sense of passion right away%(19). Aug 11, You're You have lots of time to find a great guy. You don't need to jump from one rapidly sinking raft to another - you can take a breather on dry land for a while to recover your breath. You really, really, really need to stop dating people until you can figure out why you're choosing so badly every time. Therapy can help with this.
This was a really funny bit on this topic in the movie. They were thick and sturdy and muscular. It was a real crisis for him, an awful dilemma, because they were perfect together otherwise, but he felt this stood in the way of his physical attraction to her. She told him that it really came down to one question he needed to ask himself: was his life better with or without her in it? In addition, if he wanted to dump her and go out and find a leggy model-type, how would he feel if a month after the wedding she was in a terrible accident or got a debilitating disease and her legs had to be amputated, or wasted away and became disfigured?
Were legs really the deal-breaker? And who cared enough about you to love you through the worst day of your life?
He rethought his fears and they got married. They will be celebrating five years together soon, 3. We are wonderfully affectionate and have a very active sex life.
Do you really see the shine in your husbands eyes? Sorry I do not want to disturb your mind with negative thoughts. But I like to know if every thing is fine you marriage. Dose he reacts you perfect? But thinking a lot and never find the answer yet. I our situation some small problems gets bigger and bigger because of my poor tolerance.
I started to hate my self because of my reactions. I find my self looking other girls and I feel guilty.
Your answer will be helpful, thanks. And before you marry, talk to your wife about your concerns fully in an honest but tactful way. Sooner the better. You already should have by now. See if you can find a solution together. In that case you have your answer right there. I am saying this as a man who has learned the hard and painful way.
And after tying the knot. The worst part of my guilt relating to the divorce is having kept the full truth from her that I deep down inside knew was an issue from the very beginning.
I am a man who has the exact same problem. I am a leg man. Buts its not like her legs bother me. Its how she presents them. It bothers me but I love that she is confident in herself. But it is not appealing to the eye. Just my opinion. Bigger women should definitely dress appropriately. Big women can be beautiful and gorgeous and confident while still dressing appropriately for their size.
Look away if you got a problem. Hey I just read this, you made me thought twice about letting my partner go.
Thank you so much! I think the grass is not always greener on the other side. Itd greener where you water you. Ill treat her and pamper her! He has to have something that I find attractive.
I have had relationships like that Mia here descrived, I have tried to get over it. I feel like I am a prostitute. I have friends for company - male and female. The difference between that and relationship is sexuality. It is not fair for him, not fair for me either.
I am rather single and selibate, than with someone whom I find a burden. Maybe I sound like a man, but that is how I see it. Why should I? I am a man then - if that be.
There has to be both - physical compatibility and mental attraction. If there is not, I am rather single for the rest of my life, than whore myself for companionship that just feels like a prison. If there is some basic attraction, sure I agree with Evan, but if there is no attraction, or worst a turn-offit is better to let that person to find someone who values his physical side too.
You are putting the cart before the horse. The mind does not work this way. Feelings are not meant to dictate our actions. Rather, our actions generate our feelings. Feelings ought to follow actions, not the other way round. Well, bad news for you: we are animals, our bodies dictate pretty much most of our actions. Interesting response. I was married to a man who I was extremely physically attracted to however, often he was emotionally unavailable and difficult to resolve conflicts with a a couple.
We got a divorce after only 2. However, I am every attracted to him emotionally. I am happier with him than with a man who is a 10 physically but a two in emotional availability and compatibility. I agree with nn, it is very personal. I think sexual attraction is very important. I think woman should not exchange or give up their right to feel good about themselves and get physically satisfied as man. We do not need to tie any man to chores or responsibility by holding or exchange sex for favor.
Of course the best is to find mental, spiritual and sexual compatible partner. Sex is 1rd of share so it is important. Lot of things woman is looking for can be found from family, friends and inner self. Or even a relationship. It has forced me to find it else where. Because to me as a women I never believed sex was all that important.
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