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During this time, I have come to truly love myself exactly the way I am, avoiding any negative energy from the media or unkind boyfriends. Then, however, a friend who supported me throughout my entire process apparently came to love and respect my transformation as well. This boy has really put in the effort to make me feel special, so after my year for myself, I decided to give him a chance. I am officially dating him now, and he is the kindest, most selfless person I know. If it is OK to slow down the relationship, how could I tell him this without hurting his feelings? I really do care about him, but I think maybe this should be a close friendship rather than a relationship.

This boy has really put in the effort to make me feel special, so after my year for myself, I decided to give him a chance. I am officially dating him now, and he is the kindest, most selfless person I know. If it is OK to slow down the relationship, how could I tell him this without hurting his feelings? I really do care about him, but I think maybe this should be a close friendship rather than a relationship. You followed through with your commitment and came out the other side with more strength and self-esteem.

Imagine, for a moment, being intimate with him-is your lack of spark more of a feeling of aversion? Questions may be edited for clarity and length. Is that OK? But eventually, after enough of our hearts have been scarred from all the many heartbreaks and reality checks we could have avoided along the way if only could have seen our cultural programming laid bare, some of us do.

I'm encouraged everytime I hear from another woman who found herself here after everything else failed, grateful her eyes were opened enough to find someone who has made her happier than she could ever have imagined, in a package or story far different from the one she had set her heart on. Don't despair! Saw each other each weekend where we could doing different things. The sez was amazing, we chatted about the different we wanted to do, same things in common, both wanted the same thing.

She asked me to tell her how I did in my race test. Then 4 days later I got flowers and card sent to her door via my brother he works near her house, just to say thanks for great times and I will miss you.

Not spoken since as it hurt me so much my heart got broken and I cried for 2weeks straight, everyday I wake up thinking about her and miss her dearly. I love her and not sure how to approach all of this. She probably isnt ready to settle down yet and got too worried what you had was real.

Hi Jane, I have read this thread a few times now with great interest. Normally after I've been on what I thought was a good first date only for the lady to say they felt no 'spark' or 'chemistry'. The last date I had we had lots in common, shared interests and same relationship goals etc. We even matched exactly on the qualities we looked for in a partner. For me this is all I'm looking for from a first date and don't even seek the spark!

It's starting to wear me down a bit as all I get is the friends zone after 1 date. I just wanted to share that but my main question is regarding what you say the spark is. Insecurity and anxiety. I have been single a good few years and am happy being single and don't 'need' a relationship to make me happy however nice it would be to share my life with someone.

I haven't felt that spark for a very long time and I'm wondering that if your reasonably ok with yourself and not seeking fulfullment from the other are you likely to feel the spark? I had two dates with a guy who I felt totally connected to. We had TONS in common. On our first date, he brought me red roses.

We both had a good time and enjoyed each others company. On the second date, he asked if he could hold my hand during the performance and I really felt an even greater connection.

On the way home, he got weird and acted like a jerk. The following day, he told me I was one of the kindest people he knew but he didn't feel any romantic feelings towards me. I was floored. I'm still shaking my head over this. I'm sorry but you can't just decide you don't like someone after 2 dates. I don't believe in love at first sight either.

I told him he led me on and I didn't appreciate that. This story sounds like mine. During that 1. Staying with him made me happy and sad simultaneously. I felt like I was settling because I didn't have the feelings I've had for other guys.

But I just couldn't let it go. When we'd separate as we tried several times during that 1. We truly bonded, and became each others' rocks. I kept trying because it didn't make sense to me why I couldn't get my heart to be all in. I've also begun to notice that I am attracted to different types of vibes from the one he had, but I was willing to overlook that, because I now knew it didn't matter.

Here's How To End An Awkward Zoom Date If You're Over It

Nevertheless, my conscious brain lost that battle and my inner love wiring won. No matter what I overlooked, my heart still said no. I went to therapy and the therapist said maybe I'm not fulfilled in my own life. So now I'm focusing on me and accepting that I cannot change my heart. That it can only change if it wants to with time.

That is my only hope in this situation, but I am trying not to put hope in that either, so that I may successfully and lovingly accept myself, and move forward. And you never know what you might discover about who you're attracted to, Devin, when you peel away all the layers of programming and discover who you are underneath!

I thought he was going to cheat on my to the point where I started crying. I felt panic attacks for two months straight. We broke up and it felt like the end of it for me because I missed him. I felt so happy around him, it was hard for me to come inside, after that we went out again after two months, everything was amazing I felt happy again, but I started feeling panicked and it cleared the happy feelings from me until I wondered if I had anxiety: After that, anxiety was my answer.

It was constant panic attacks. I was afraid this was going to happen every two months. It stuck in my head I wanted to see him everyday if it was possible! I need help! So i recently met a nice guy through a friend. He is intelligent, kind, very family oriented and faith oriented which i like.

We've met up a few times and i like him as a person and i felt happy but calm around him which is different from the usual spark i feel. But i decided that it was okay and that maybe the spark was just attraction. One thing i find off putting is that he is attractive in my opinion and it doesn't make sense for him to be attracted to me. I'm recovering from disordered eating and have been doing well and he pretty much intimidates me. But he doesn't realize he's attractive and he's never commented on anyone's physical traits- so i have no reason to be this self conscious.

May 30,   You enjoy his company but you're just not sure you're feeling the spark. For me-a love at first sight non-believer-number 3 is the most frequent scenario. I've rarely experienced numbers 1 or 2 Author: Gena Kaufman. Jan 16,   I don't believe in the idea of 'a spark' on the first date It doesn't matter if there's no instant attraction - it might turn out to be a slow burner He was also wearing the dating Author: Stella Grey. Jan 24,   When we're dating, we're all looking to feel that chemistry with our date. We want that spark. But what we seldom realize is that chemistry isn't always instant. To put it simply: like alchemy, the medieval forerunner of modern chemistry, it can take some time to turn lead into Brianne Hogan.

He told out mutual friend he needs to get to know me more to feel more of a connection with me before he can figure out to ask me out.

Which scares me off a bit. Please help. So what if you think of him as just someone you want to get to know better? Can you take the pressure off yourself - and him - to be something more or be categorically something more than just someone you've met who seems like he'd be interesting to get to know?

Don't worry about surface things like how attractive either of you are right now. If that skepticism is trying to tell you something, it will become more obvious what that is as you get to know him better.

But remember this - you don't want to be the one showing him why he should ask you out. It may be you're sensing a pressure to prove that you're worth asking out. Be mindful of that. If it isn't mutual, if you feel like you're putting him up on a pedestal without even knowing anything more about him that what you've mentioned here, that's a concern.

No spark dating

Take it slow, and you'll find out more soon enough. Thank you so much for this, this is what i keep telling to people! This is litteraly what happened to me with my man, who walked on me cuz he didnt felt the spark or the spark went off at months point. I did everything for him, i loved him so much,i gave him so much, we planned life together and he treated me like i was only woman on the planet.

He even includet another woman in this,talking to her behing my back. I was still good to him, tried to stay strong, support him and love him the best i could dispite his arrogance, but he still walked out He told me he didnt felt the spark or "attraction" And for long time he was pushing me away, he didnt let me close, he didnt even kiss me anymore,it was hard to get back the spark when someone puts all the walls up.

This has left me so broken and feeling betrayed, that someone who promised me never hurting me or walking on me, he did it anyway, he sayd he would never give up and he did, cuz he didnt see the value in me without the spark! All the good things that I was, it wasnt good enough without spark and excitement. And now 4months later im still trying to accept what happened i feel leadet on,while he already dating other people!

I didnt felt the spark with him aither,it wasnt like a love at first singht thing, but i developed it with time. It was more a familiar feeling, calmness, something more deeper. I really thoght he was a love of my life, he sayd i was like his best friend.

I didnt think that is a bad thing. You need to be able to be friends in your relationship,people who stay together for 30yrs, they dont have spark anymore what they have is the friendship, the deep connection, support and stability. Ive have myself dated based on sparkle and attraction before when i was in my 20s, it never worked out, when sparkles are gone u will see the true colors of people and realize that its actually not that easy to find a someone thats compatible with you that u would want to spend life with.

I lost my best friend and i miss him every day If you find a real, honest,loving and decent person, never let them go, it will be worst mistake of your life ,you will be going from person to person to find something that you already had. My best friend and I are completely inseparable. Movies, comic con, video games, sex, laundry you name it. We are pretty much in an unofficial relationship. He however doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me because he doesn't feel what he calls a "romantic attraction" for me.

When he describes the attraction though it is the same description you gave for the "spark" attraction. He felt it before and wants it back. I just make him comfortable and happy but not what he is liking for. I enjoyed this article as I know I love my bf but wondered about that spark. I have felt that spark but don't feel it all the time so I question my love for him. It's silly though because this man, in this short period, has become my best friend.

I worry for him, think of him, always make sure he is okay and in short don't see myself with anyone else. I think my hiccup with sparky was when we started having arguments and not seeing eye to eye, things were said that hurt me and that took us a couple steps back.

Even then, we went out a couple weeks after and out of the blew we kissed and I felt sparky! I've learned it's just a bump in the road; not everything can be peaches but if the commitment, respect, and happiness is there for that person sparky will come here and there I don't see the need for sparks all the time i dont think its realistic. What a great article, judging by all the responses a very popular one too. I recently had a couple of dates with a friend of friends.

We crossed paths online after commenting in the same subject on Facebook. We chatted online for a month or so beforehand and got to know each other pretty well before we actually met. Her previous relationship was with a guy who was always unavailable or disinterested.

We are both intelligent, have the same sense of humour and got on like a house on fire. I've never had so many compliments as I had from this woman. I never judged her or brought up anything from her history that I already knew of which surprised her immensely.

However, after seemingly ticking all the boxes I get told there was no "spark" and that it was best for her not to invest any more time in me due to this fact. To say I was gutted is an understatement. I think there is a saying that "You can't choose who you love and you can't choose who loves you". I guess this is true.

amusing piece think

I was thrilled to read your article. I've always said "chemistry" is the Fool's Gold of relationships. It drives me crazy when relationship "experts" give it legitimacy.

Then I was dumped because there wasn't "an indescribable spark. He dumped her after about a month. So much for spark, wouldn't you say? I'm in a huge dilemma.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years now, and ever since we started dating i kept urging myself not to over criticize how he is so that I don't feel resentment I'm a very picky person. Anyways, ever since we started dating when I'm with him I'm super happy he makes me feel great and I try my best to make him feel great too because he is worthy of it!! But when I'm alone on my own all those doubts come up and it kills me and tires me.

I keep holding on to him because he's the greatest I've ever had, but I don't feel the spark much though he says he is passionately in love with me, I love him too but I am more the more mature kind of love, but to him I'm like his very first passionate lovey dovey relationship, as if its some highschool love sometimes I even wonder what is 5th he loves so much about me.

Its killing me slowly, ill deeply appreciate your response and advice. And the relationships where I was the receiver i was always defensive when the person shows passion and affection towards me. So receiving all this love from him makes me feel perplexed sometimes, and me on the other hand I'm not a very affectionist person with my friends nor family. I'm still not sure about my relationship tho. Or am I just not the right one for him or should I ask him to go find another girl?

Maybe I'm just not the right one for him. I don't know. Thank you so much for setting people straight on this. Your comment about how she should have been attracted to him really hit home for me. I have never been married. Almost every date I go on ends without a second because of the same reason.

They say that they don't feel "the spark". Quite frankly, it is frustrating to have the same problem or excuse stated over and over. Especially if there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am a big believer in learning from one's mistakes, but when you can't find out what those mistakes are, how can you learn from them? I came out of a long term relationship at the beginning of the year with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I'd never ever found a bond like it before, or a spark so bright. I was obsessed with him. But because of this I over looked his traits that were not as nice, he was controlling and emotionally abusive to where I just assumed that was part of 'love'. Every one else could see it but me as I still had this fire inside me that was crazy about him. I honestly thought I would be alone to find myself again for a long time.

However I ended up naturally becomming so close to a guy I worked with. It felt odd because it wasn't a spark, but it was a something. He had also just got out of a relationship similiar to mine, we connected. There was something there so strong that we ended up sleeping together on our very first date, which is usually a BIG no no for me but I don't regret it.

Our sex life was incredible! More so than I ever have had with anyone else before. But then is where it started to go wrong, for some reason something came over me that I could not get rid of. I had voices in my head saying 'he's not the one'. This guy is pretty much opposite. Whilst he's tall and I do find him attractive he has no understanding of fashion.

Without wanting to sound 'superficial' it lessened my attraction towards him that he wouldn't make an effort. He'd sometimes go out with an unironed t-shirt because 'no one will notice'. However forward a week later we could not stop ourselves from talking to eachother, I would wake up thinking of what he's up to, if he's feeling ok, start to really miss him.

Constant chat, laughter, jokes. It was like a huge weight had been lifted, something had changed. It was like a force had bought us together again. I put my walls up.

Aug 18,   The following advice is aimed at adults who have been dating for a good decade already. In Romantic Relationships, You're Either a Spark-Chaser or a Long Burner. "there's no spark Author: Sara Lynn Michener. May 12,   Home>Forums>Relationships>Mr Perfect but no spark New Reply This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last ated by Susannah 2 years, 11 months ago. Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total) Author Posts May 12, at am # shordeelParticipant So I am in a bit of a dilemma. I am dating a very lovely, kind, loving guy who is basically Mr Perfect. The truth is, the spark does not equal love. In fact, the spark and love are completely unrelated. They are two totally different things. They are like two complete strangers who happen to be at the same party. A spark does not guarantee love any more than a sunny day means the lake water will be warm and the swimming will be great.

I've always been scared to settle down with someone in case it doesn't work out, I've always wanted to be with one man for the rest of my life when I make that commitment. But then when I try relationships with a 'spark' they never work out. A year ago i met this wonderful man He is 15 years older than me.

He has been thru alot On our tenth month he began talking to someone else I respected his thoughts and his feelings i didn't believe in the spark i believed love needed a strong foundation in order to grow not a spark that would fade away.

I loved this article! I hope it can be true to me. I am with an amazing guy. When i was younger i wrote a list of everytbing i wanted in a man and added to it as i experienced things in different relationships. My boyfriend noe fits every discription on that list. We have the same christian values, hes funny, outgoing, very thoughtful, goodlooking, and he always puts me first.

I am just scared to fully commit because i dont always feel a "spark". There are many days where i am anxious about the relationship and wonder if i can truly be happy in it. I have a past with an emotionally abusive father, and have dated plenty of losers in my time. I felt sparks with some of the previous guys i dated that im not feeling with my current boyfriend. This is the first time i have ever dated a genuinely great guy!

There are so many what iffs in the back of my mind. What if he doesnt make me as happy as i could be? What if i am meant to be with someone else and i miss it?

What if i do marry him and regret it later and am never truly happy? Why cant i let myself just be happy and commit to him? Any thoughts? I'm so glad this resonated with you, Rachael!

Imagine yourself down the road with him, years from now. What matters then? What's it like to be with him then? I wrote a post about this that captures a conversation I had with a group of women who were reflecting on exactly this topic - what really matters.

I hope it helps. Try not to overthink him, or you, or the relationship. What if you just be with him? Who's expecting more from you or more from love, or more from him and the relationship?

Is if your own expectations, the culture's, or your family and friends? Sometimes that's the part that's coming into play here. In the end, trust yourself. Without all the chatter, we always know far more than we ever think we do.

I have a lot of trouble understanding this article. It feels like this is the equivalent of just being with somebody you don't have any feelings for, or lukewarm at best. What is the point of being in a relationship with somebody for whom you don't feel a spark? It sounds like settling, or being with somebody just to be with somebody. I guess this may work for some people but it seems pretty low to aim. I would rather have a relationship i'm passionate about than one that just feels platonic.

But what if there's nothing real behind that spark, Sky? What if there's no substance, no actions that back up the feelings, nothing but heartbreak when the truth comes out in the end? What then? This is such a difficult concept for so many of us to get our heads around, so I'm glad you've reached out for more here.

It's not about settling, it's not about aiming low or going for the platonic because we've had nothing but heartbreak in searching for that feeling. It's about honing in on what matters most to you. It's about peeling away the layers of what that spark means to you so that you're not going to fall for just someone who gives you a certain kind of feeling, but someone who can give you that feeling with something real to back it up. So often we settle for the spark and rob ourselves of a real true kind of love relationship only because we don't know how to differentiate between the two.

It's not one or the other. It's not all or nothing. It's creating an awareness within yourself so the you don't set yourself up to miss out on the very thing you're looking for only because we've been so programmed to think it has to look and feel a certain way!

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need me to break it down further. This is exactly why I wrote this one. Of all the things we talk about on here, getting to your own root of this one has created some of the most significant shifts in finding the only kind of love we ever deserve - a real one each one of us can personally live with! This was an amazing read and I feel so much better after this.

I didn't start looking for someone after my breakup with my ex 4 years ago. There was a girl I dated for a little over a month and I felt like we were so compatible with each other. I loved listening to her talk about herself and family and she brightened my day whenever we talked. We saw each other over 7 times over the month and I loved spending time with her. Thing is, I was the one initiating the texting most of the time and setting up the dates. She did tell me it takes a while for her to like someone and I understood that and was patient with her.

My goal was to make her fall in love with me or like me. But as you said, she didn't feel the "spark". She felt nothing during the times we talked or saw each other and said in the future, she won't feel anything either. And so, she didn't want to continue giving this a try. I felt devastated as I didn't open my heart to someone after 4 years and I finally started having feelings for someone. I did the best I could to be a good man to her and treat her with respect, kindness, and even a little romance but she didn't reciprocate any feelings back.

Well, I can't do anything about it life has to go on but I felt she should have given this more time and realized what I great partner I would have been to her. I'm in a little phase right now but reading articles and posts like this will help me get through this. So Thank You for this great post and reading everyone's stories from the comments. That sucks, doesn't it, Sohrab? When you invest yourself so much into someone, trying to prove your worth and your value by getting them to choose you and they simply don't.

I have been right there and I feel your pain. From where I sit now, I can say that this, the very fact that you are trying to convince someone of your value is the biggest red flag of all. This is the very sign that says: you are choosing the wrong person for you.

When you find a woman that is right for you, you won't have to prove anything. You will be who you truly are, no second guessing, no trying, it will be simple. She will respond to you as you are, she will accept you as you already are, and it will be easy.

You won't have to try that hard. I have heard over and over again that men are raised to do the chasing, the conquering, the courting thing. Could it be that you are falling into this trap?

Could it be the programming, the conditioning saying you prove yourself when you finally get her to love you because of your trying hard? I don't know if this is your case, but it is the case for many men I know and for many women like me who have been programmed to be this or that to get a man to like them. I have questioned all of that and awoken to the fact that it is not healthy. A true, healthy relationship is one where both people appreciate each other, respect each other, and are who they truly are without masks, without trying too hard, who love each other and want the same thing with each other.

It really is simple. Efforts have to be made, but they don't feel like a battle. You simply are compatible. It flows. I am glad you are feeling better every day, and remember your job is not to convince anyone. Your job is to be true to yourself, to show up as the kind, loving, authentic man you naturally are and the woman who is right for you will see you and appreciate you for who you are.

I felt I love him. I've known him few years ago. It was the same old feeling. I don't have the gut's to face him. I felt different,very nervous. I constantly thinking of him. I felt that he still feels the same. I felt something nerve wrecking when I think of him more often. I really enjoyed reading your "Stop Looking for the Elusive Spark" page.

I recently was dating a guy and we hit it off, had tons of chemistry, tons in common, lots of overlap in our lives, and enjoyed each other's company.

I won't lie, the sex was great too. We are close in our work, so I wanted to make sure we were being careful and boom. Within the month he told me he looked forward to seeing me, talking to me, the sex was definitely awesome, that I'm everything he wants but the room didn't light up when I walked in and I didn't give him butterflies. It was a kick in the gut. We are both 45, not teenagers. Did he forget the texts he sent that he couldn't concentrate on work because he was thinking about me?

I have learned the lesson that butterflies don't last and I know what a good partner is and what it requires. This was quite painful. It made me feel insecure about myself and it's stressful knowing that I will have to face him in the future and right now just want to tell him how immature he is I had this happen to me recently. I had been friends with a guy online for years. We happened to meet when he was in town and was relocating to an area closer to me and I had totally not anticipated it, but we actually did have a connection.

I told him I liked him and when we went home we spent the next several months talking about being together. We seemed to come to agreement on everything and really started to care for each other. We both said we wanted something serious together. Then when he moved, we spent two weekends together, crazy sexual chemistry, but he said there wasn't enough of a "spark" for the future. I was pretty devastated because we were friends, got along, had great sex, what the hell else do you want after just two weeks together?

I told him it's his loss and in the end, it will be. He's looking for a fairy tale when he could have had a stable, loving, healthy relationship in the real world. In my mind, sexual chemistry is enough chemistry, the rest is friendship, support, love and respect. That's what makes a relationship. I could not have stated it better.

Problem is I wish I had the spine to tell him this to his face and also tell him what he is missing out by not seeing ME standing right in front of him, ready to offer him a loyal loving heart. I don't know why, a man with such a brilliant mind, cannot see this. My heart aches constantly over this. I was in an abusive, mental and physical relationship for nearly 8 years and knew I had to get out as it also turned to sexual abuse as all the hurt took its toll and sex began to be a chore and I was sometimes bullied into it.

I had had a male FRIEND at this point for about the last three years and I'd told him about my relationship and he knew what I was going through as he'd had a relationship similar and was mistreated by a woman for ten years. Being such a kind hearted person he offered me my own bedroom with ensuite at his house and the help with getting back to my old self without any expense no matter how long it would take.

I happened to take this offer up and left the abusive relationship I was in which has been very painful as I still love him but know he's no good for me and that I will not go back this time no matter what. The chap who I am now living with, which seems like an arranged marriage, really fancies me. I am forty six and he is sixty eight so to start with there is a big age gap.

I did have an inkling that it could turn into a relationship of some kind though I'm finding it rather fast. The thing is I've not got butterflies for him or even fancy him BUT we get on really well, we laugh, we talk, we do everything together Like a married couple and do more so than in the previous relationship.

We have friends and family around, they love him, and have good fun, even the same sense of humour. I have been living with him for three months now and cannot commit to sleeping in his bed but have had sex four times in the last four weeks which is nothing in comparison to the sex life I once had when I was in love with my previous lover as really that's all our relationship was based on.

I do love this new man as he's so caringlovelythoughtful etc etc and what I really need after the abuse I have had over the years. The problem I have is that I'm not in not sexually attracted to him and will avoid any form of intermisey if I can as in not attracted to him that way.

Everything else about him is top draw. I can afford to buy a property but feel I do not want to leave him and wonder if my feelings will grow. He's got a good body for his age but looks his age. Just what should I do? Is it possible that I could fall in love with him? I felt for someone but then only when we met each other physically. On the phone and texting we are like totally dont have that spark. What does that really mean? So my story is just recently I returned to the guy who I had best chemistry with in the past but suddenly the spark wasn't there like before and I felt like he knew it too.

I told him I haven't liked anyone like I used too like I did with him in the past but I told him honesty that I wasn't feeling the spark and haven't with anyone at all he told me maybe I haven't trusted anyone so it's harder to feel close through those experiences I've had in the past it felt like he was right, things feel amazing to really trust someone I felt like he was right.

I really felt in love those 4 years ago meeting him the first time and we hit it off. Now it's turned silently boring, he gave a rose in the end and I had hopes of "is he interested to see me again?

think, that you

And I believe it ended like that maybe, reading this article makes so much sense you just fall inlove with the person long term that's how I fell in love the first time with someone else. Even though it was boring he is like the perfect guy I've ever wanted now I don't know what to do. Hello, i hardly look for advice online, but i have a problem. I asked her to be my girlfriend. I care about her alot, and want to give her the best, but i have felt even when we kiss not really passion.

I actually came across your article "Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark" I am currently going through my own love challenges.

My story is actually exactly about having that "Spark". My best friend who is my roommate, as we are both entrepreneurs we help each other out with lots and work together in many ways. I never thought we would have challenges. Our beliefs Spiritually, Intellectually align. In many ways we started caring about each other a lot and that scared him One day he's telling me he really cares about me but he's not ready Slowly mentioning he needs his freedom.

I personally don't ask him to tell me anything about his life. Through out this whole situation I have also learn that men find attraction in a woman who they Emotionally connect to.

He is definitely emotionally connected to me, always coming to me to talk about things but on the other hand he is sure us being together will ruin our powerful friendship and does not want to get into a relationship.

Also considering we are in a negative space and in some ways I believe he fears himself as well. I am always improving and many times I as myself if I truly accomplished self love, would I be in this situation to begin with? A while ago he spoke to me about how living together was not a good idea.

It's like everyday we are around each other this force is just always in between us. I know we love each other and this tension is from not giving that love to one another. Two people loving each other and not giving that love to one another creates serious tension.

I've learn that for sure Upon him talking to me about moving out and our tension. He says to me "But we never had that spark. Isn't "The spark" two people attracted to each other and love? It makes no sense to me. My close GF said it's the silliest thing she has heard. I'm getting to the point where I feel ever our friendship is not good. How am I suppose to be friends with someone who resists loving me? All I see there is more heart break.

The options I see at this point for my happiness is A. Be together or B. Cut off our friendship so I can heal cause it hurts. I believe Jane has an amazing point, that spark IS love it grows over time you have to feed it with love People now days think everything happens with magic but some of the greatest love stories have 2 people over coming great trials together. He sounds like someone who either doesn't know what he wants or just wants the good things he gets from you, but not you.

I personally would cut off this friendship because it no longer is friendship if one is having stronger feelings or different wants.

"My boyfriend is awesome, but I'm not feeling that spark. Is that OK?"

Staying around waiting for him to change his mind will destroy your peace and sense of self-love. As painful as it is, I would choose me over him. I have been in this situation and it only brought me pain. What was even more painful at the time was that the minute I cut him off, he found himself a girlfriend.

Now I understand that he just liked what he got out of me, but never truly cared about me in the slightest. An honest man, who cares about you even if it's just as a friend would never take advantage of you knowing he cannot reciprocate your feelings. He would be honest and distance himself, not stick around to eat the cake while you hurt.

Think about that. Recently I met this girl I feel extremely comfortable with about a month ago.

Should you keep dating him? (NO SPARK & NO CHEMISTRY)

We both share so many common interests and I can just be myself when im with her. We are currently in a fwb relationship and I'm not even the slightest ashamed of introducing her to my friends. I don't think I feel a "spark" for her and I don't care. I feel like we could make a solid relationship. However, she doesn't feel the same way and said she doesn't feel the spark. She says she feels like she could like me but not for the right reasons.

I have never been in a relationship before but everything just feels right. I told her to give it some time and she said she would consider it. She's been hurt by her previous ex and says she is emotionally exhausted. I'm not in a rush either and I am willing to wait until she's ready. I'm sure she's felt that spark for her exes she's had 4 but like all the previous ones they probably never truly appreciated her for who she was like I do.

are available?

I would just like to know if there's any hope for a relationship. Even if there isn't I will still be there for her. I very recently met a man whom I thought I could only dream up.

I was waiting to meet someone like him. He has all of the things I have prayed for and then some. We met November 5th, he invited me to his company Christmas party December 18th when I heard him calling me his new girlfriend.

We didn't see each other that much in between these things we did together because we both travel a lot for work and after dating seriously for 4 months we have broken up two weeks ago. He told me it was because he is busy with work and I deserve someone who will give me the time I deserve.

I felt there was more behind the reason and after talking out our breakup reasons over a drink he basically admitted that on paper I was everything he wrote down on paper for what he wanted in a woman after his divorce.

But then explained to me that he wasn't sure if his work importance and busy schedule has him incapable of reciprocating my feelings and keeping him from falling in love. A key piece of information I must add is that this man has been married before- his ex wife cheated on him and once he divorced, his rebound girlfriend was only into him for his money so its very likely he has never seen what a healthy real relationship looks like or even is about.

In my early twenties I had fatal attraction and chemistry with a guy whom I dated for 2 to 3 years and painfully knew I shouldn't marry him. I didn't understand why I needed to break up with him for no reason but now and especially after reading this article that I understand it isn't the only thing needed for a meaningful relationship to last forever.

We were very different people with different core views. I now understand my recent break up was caused by lack of "spark" but there are reasons the "spark" couldn't have come about because of my lack of body language and openness for that chemistry between us. Its almost as if this relationship with this man brought me to awareness of my closed heart but at the same time I cannot stop crying because I felt so intensely and care for him so much!! We talked through text every single day from morning to night about our days, we have had 2 hour phone conversations, he loved to share everything with me from pictures to telling me how big meetings went and I encouraged him, cared to listen, cared about his hobbies and everything he liked and he did with me as well.

We have loads of things in common and I think we could have something amazing but he may have wrong expectations of how a beautiful relationship can be because he has never had something healthy and good with a woman. I am such a mess with what-if's and just want him to realize what he just gave up but I know I don't have the ability to do that.

I need help. I stumbled across this article and thought this is just the person who might be able to help me. I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is my bestfriend in the entire world and I love him dearly.

He is an amazing person and an amazing boyfriend. When we first started dating I told him right from the beginning that I do not tolerate lying. So guess what he did As soon as I caught him in the lie about 7 months ago my emotional switch just shut off. He has made a huge effort to make things better and has succeeded. He has not changed and I would never want him to change.

He just picked the things that he did not like too much about himself and tried to better those qualities. Dispite all of his effort and trying, my connection and spark never came back. When we kissed or cuddled I felt safe but nothing else.

I was just going through the motions. I recently broke up with him due to this reason. Can these feelings come back? If so, how? They can if you want them to, Ash, but it sounds like the violation of trust that happened here is affecting those feelings you used to have. Hi Jane, I started dating the most amazing man five months ago.

topic simply

The spark brought me to my knees and NO there are no red flags. I asked for a loving, easygoing, intelligent and kind man who honors who I was and after several "bad guys" all with an intense spark, yes the universe presented me with him.

Our friend group is the same. And there are no games. No chase, nothing, just open and honest caring and I'm so not used to it. He is kind of quiet and gives me all the space I need so this added to my infatuation with him.

Anyway last month we jumped into a trip to Mexico together. I was beyond happy and clung to him the whole plane ride there. I boasted to all my friends and family that I found The One!

True monogamists are not afraid of the lack of spark or butterflies; that wonderful but ultimately transient and even shallow feeling of being in a state of love. I say shallow because everyone eventually has had that feeling - and strongly - for a person they know they have no business Sara Lynn Michener.

Halfway through the trip he got sick. I took no time alone. I tried to care for him as we just hid away in our air conditioned hotel but I found myself growing irritated and his minor flaws began to grow in my eyes causing me to feel like I was losing interest. The plane landed home and I ran for my space. Since then I've been an emotional wreck. Not only am I embarrassed if I actually told someone I loved them without really realizing what love meant, but I truly do think he is so perfect for me!

But that "spark" seems to be gone. I'm grieving for it, like an immature little girl I know. My best friend and mother both think that I am terrified to transition into a commited stage and to find out what real love is, so I am putting up my walls. They think this will happen with any guy I am with so I owe it to myself to try this. His patience and understanding at my changed mood is somehow "boring" to me and I know how cruel that sounds believe me.

I still feel excitement to see him because I enjoy his company, but don't desire to jump on him right now and rip his clothes off. I am a person who needs a lot of space. And I haven't dealt with some of my own issues the past while so they have piled up with this one and I am waking every morning with anxiety, tense stomach and somehow throughout the day sometimes find it hard to breathe, particularly when I'm obsessing over whether he is The One or not and how I can avoid hurting him and what's best for me.

I read up on romantic OCD the other day and it resonates a bit with me? I do love him. When I write down a list of his pros, they fill an entire page. When I write the cons, it is one thing haha his age, 3 years younger than me. I'm So silly right. How can I transition into a stage of real love and express it because he deserves it? I can move on from the puppy love feelings Even if it requires work.

Please help me Jane!! I dont understand what the person on the other side of this relationship is supposed to do? The person who finds out that their partner doesnt feel a spark towards them, what are they supposed to do with that information? Am i supposed to accept that im with someone who doesnt love me the same way i love them? Am i supposed to accept that to them there will always be something "missing" that theyve had in previous relationships but not with me?

How can i be sure that my partner, who i have sparks for on a daily basis n is my whole world, will one day have a spark for me? How is this decided n how is it fair? He doesnt want to leave me, he thinks our relationship is perfect in everything except this spark.

It confuses him n makes him unsure of marrying me bcuz what if it never develops n what if he meets someone else who he gets a spark with? I am deeply hurt bcuz i know in my heart this guy is my soul mate, he is everything. But there is always a wall he puts up when it comes to building a life with me n taking the next step, n im at a point where i feel i have to leave him.

At first wen he wud honestly bring up this issue, i wud accept it n say to myself sometimes u hv to love someone so much, more than anyone has ever loved them for them to see ur worth n thats what ive been doing.

I dont think that he can live without me now.

idea not

We have been together for 3 years n i dont think he sees his life without me. He has been in several serious relationships before me, all awful n abusive but also had intense love. I feel so insecure about this issue that i just think i have to leave him. What the hell am i supposed to do? You accept the reality of what is and go back to you and honestly answer this question: can I live like this? Is this all I deserve? It worries me that you believe you have to love someone for them to see your worth.

That's not how it works. People love you for who you are or they don't. You don't have to try so hard and do anything, other than be who you honestly are. If he doesn't want to take that next step and you want to get married, all this means is you're two people on two very different pages.

This is not your soulmate, no matter how much you want him to be. How could he be if he doesn't feel the same way about you? Start building your own life apart from this man, slowly focusing on you and let go. Stop trying and start listening to yourself.

I know how hard it is, but there's no other way for you to get out of limbo.

good, support

Whatever you feel he gives you, find it in yourself. That way you don't have to look to someone to complete you. Think about your dreams, goals, hobbies, friends, family and activities that make you happy that don't include him, and start being present with those much more.

It'll put things into perspective and you'll realize this isn't the end of the world, as much as it feels that way right now. You let go and remember that if things are meant to be, they'll happen without you trying. If you have to beg, try, cajole, manipulate or convince someone, they're NOT right for you. He loves me for who i am, he has never asked me to change. He knows my worth.

He doesnt even acknowledge this really as an issue. He tells me he feels the exact same way sometimes. He says that deeper level of love is just growing slowly.

I dont want to be married because i have some personal growth to work on before taking that step. However we are engaged so that sometimes puts pressure on me.

I didnt mean it that i have to prove my worth, just that mayb he's never been loved this much before. That was in the past anyway, now i dont c it this way. I have been dating a guy 21 for a little over 4 months. Everything was great and I felt so relaxed with him, even started to fall for him. Everything was just really easy and we had so much fun together, it just felt right.

He was adamant about making me know that he does really like me, just not in love with me. He said he was always wondering if he loved me or not and said he asked all his friends about how he would know if he was in love. He said he was never in love before and I have never been in love yet either, until I started to love him.

I truly believe that he has more feelings than he thinks he does, just not this all-consuming love that he expects.

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  1. Fenrikazahn

    Completely I share your opinion. It is good idea. I support you.


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